just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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