On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
