Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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