don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize