Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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