Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Don't make out with my wife yet
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
