Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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