I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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