Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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