I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
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