I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
and you fell through a lawn chair
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
