Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
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