I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My dad just said "fuck circus"
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
