tell your sister to shave her snatch
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
