I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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