I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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