His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
