i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
