Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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