He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
