Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
