mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
