"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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