I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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