yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
