I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
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