very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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