When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
