I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Randomize
