My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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