Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize