The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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