Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
