i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
my shit smells like andre
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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