im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
