I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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