you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
