Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
