We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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