at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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