I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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