you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
My ass is underappreciated
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
