Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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