If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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