Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I look better un-naked...
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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