And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
