Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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