I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
