the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
