i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
