Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
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