I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
