I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
