When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
