well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
