You just made me feel so damn special
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
