Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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