I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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