why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
