it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
