Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
