You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
