I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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