I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
