Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize