If that was your dad, he is hot
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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